Good Stuff – Killing a Conscience in Seven Steps

…each of us has three selves. First the public self which functions while we are in the presence of others, as on a stage. We’re always trying to make a good impression, wondering what others are thinking of us and how we are impressing them. We are putting on a show. But a time comes when we leave the stage and slam the dressing room door behind us. We find ourselves alone. Then our private self takes over. We do things we would never do if others were looking at us: checking the waistline from the side, trying to get a look at the bald spot, making faces in the mirror, checking the cavities in our teeth. There’s no need here in private to put on a show or be on display.

But besides these, each of us has a third self, our inner self. That’s the one we don’t want to face up to. That’s where, if it happens, we take a good hard look at what we really are before God and why. Generally, we abhor confronting this self…

Read this article, written by Rev. Philip E. Dion, C.M., in its entirety over at CatholicCulture.org: Killing a Conscience in Seven Steps | Catholic Culture.

A New Song – VIII

My old nature continually wants to fill itself with every pleasure, real and imagined.  It is egomaniacal, a vacuum.  Wanting and wanting and never satisfied.  Gratifying its wants only makes the old nature hungry for more.  Want feeds want.

The new nature, on the the other hand continually desires to empty itself.  It is altruistic.  Desiring to become more and more like its Lord, to give as He gives. Unsatisfiable until it is empty of itself and full of the Lord.  Deep calling unto deep.

With my soul, I choose.  My mind and will and emotions work in concert, for and against the old nature and the new and for and against God.  And He is always present, even in the darkest of darkness…

Truly, You know me through and through, O Lord.
When You turn your face upon me, what do you see?
How can you bear the sight of me?
A sinner of sinner’s I am.

Down crooked ways and in the shadows I have ventured.
Amidst the darkness my mind and will have meditated.
Only at the brink have I found restraint.
My soul greatly fears the precipice.

I have crossed a desolate wilderness and peered over the edge.
To fall into its abyss would take but a word, nay, but a thought.
The cost, I am reminded, the cost is too great.
At the brink a voice calls from whence I came.

There is no hiding from You, O Lord. You see, You know.
You look upon me, and in your mercy you call me away.
Away from the din, without and within,
And lead me back to the Way from whence I stray.

Crooked ways crumble and shadows flee.
Darkness cannot abide You, You are Joy and Peace.
Upon the foothills of your Love and Wisdom,
I set out anew, my sight cleansed by mine eye’s own tears…

Draw forth, O Lord, I beg thee.
Draw forth and draw deeply from the wellspring of my baptism,
And Lead me to Your still waters.
Permit me to stray no more…

_{– A New Song, by Unlikely Wanderer}

Decision

After many years of thought, prayer, study, overcoming misperceptions of the Catholic faith, overcoming erroneous teachings of non-Catholic faith, indifference, more study and prayer, backsliding, more indifference, more study and prayer, researching on the web, blogging and finally reaching out to the local Catholic faithful here in South Korea, I’ve come to a conclusion:  God wants me to become Catholic.  And so I will, if the Catholic Church will have me.

I am in a strange place, which I mean quite literally. I am some 8500 miles from home and will likely not be returning home for any lengthy duration anytime soon. My family and I are pretty much here to stay, unless God decides otherwise, of course. I am a long way from being fluent in the Korean language and Catholic resources in English here are sparse. It took months to find a priest who speaks English, and that only after actually knocking, unannounced, on the front door of the Catholic Bishops Conference of Korea in Seoul! Through the priest I was introduced to by CBCK, I discovered an English mass offered in a neighboring city every Sunday at 2pm, for which I am thankful. It is primarily for the English speaking migrant workforce in the area; the service seems a bit disjointed and more charismatic than other Catholic masses I’ve been to here or in years past back in the States, but it is at least in English and they are a very friendly group. And most importantly, there is amongst them one who has offered to give me catechesis, for which I am grateful. I may not feel entirely comfortable in this place, as its particular charisma triggers old memories of the Pentecostal and non-denominational churches from my past, but I think that is not so important. To begin the process is far more important, and to see what God has in store for me.  After all, it is He who has opened the way.

I have some issues to deal with, such as the validity of my Protestant baptism (a full immersion in a murky pond in northern New England by a former Catholic turned Assemblies of God Pastor), a child born out of wedlock whom I hardly know and the ensuing collapse of my relationship with his mother (a Catholic), a bitter divorce from a Christian spouse, and years later an unchristian civil remarriage (of which I must note that God has blessed with unity and two beautiful children), and decades of sin and selfishness for which my conscience has yet to find any absolution. And I am certain there are other things to be dealt with, in a place where simple communication with the locals is strained at best.

Complicating things a bit more, I have a growing affinity for the Korean celebration of the Sacrifice of the Mass, even though I can understand very little of what is being said. Though I have found a means of catechesis in English, my heart is with a Korean parish where I have visited and hope to eventually share in celebration daily.  The devotion and sincerity I witness amongst the locals at the various Korean masses I’ve attended is simply breathtaking. The best word I can think of to describe the experience is ‘sacred’. There is a freedom to simply worship the Lord sincerely, in spirit and in truth, utterly unmindful of whomever else is present. I’ve never once experienced this freedom, of which my words do no justice, in any Protestant church, ever.  And I have been to many over the years.  I see no pretentiousness, no sensationalism, no hooplah, rather real devotion and real adoration, just people and their God engaged in pure and simple dialogue.  I am humbled in a big, big way and am in awe to sit in their presence as they worship their Savior at His altar.  I cannot describe in this blog the hunger stirred up in my soul to possess such freedom!

I nearly weep with heartbreak and sorrow when the Eucharist is celebrated as I am unable to yet share with them.

And that brings to light the final element of the strangeness of where I am: the reality that I may never be permitted to share in the Lord’s Supper, due to my divorce and remarriage. I am still having a difficult time finding answers in that regard. Lord help me. I will accept the decision of whomever decides these matters. If I am to mourn my undoings before the altar of the Lord for the rest of my days then so be it, so long as I cease to cause any more heartache for others through my sinful ways. I will accept it as just penance.

But I am probably getting ahead of myself…that is my fears are attempting to take center stage. I continue to pray and hope for the Lord’s Mercy in regards to my past, and for wisdom and understanding, for truly I do not understand how or why I have made some of the terrible decisions I’ve made over the years. And truly I desire with all of my heart to be forgiven and received into the Lord’s Church.

Lord Have Mercy…Amen.

Holy Mary, I beg of thee your prayers on my behalf. Bless you and bless the name of the Lord, Jesus…